If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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