I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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