Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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