I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
