Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
