This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
