I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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