used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
