So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
