Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
