you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
