Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
