America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
