Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
