you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
