If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
