After last night, I could never be a politician.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
