It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
