she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
