the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
