Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
