he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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