So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
