How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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