Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
