I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
