My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
