I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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