I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
