Your face is a jimmy john
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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