I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
