If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
