He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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