the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
