I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
