When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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