this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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