So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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