Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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