I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
