the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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