Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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