I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
