I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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