I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Bring me that man meat
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
