there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
