So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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