She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
