my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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