4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
